a breakthrough...or perhaps just a reminder of one.

          So last night I did something I never really thought I would do. I put on my big girl panties and went to eat out at a restaurant, totally and completely alone. Yes, I know...you wouldn't think this was a big deal, but let me just tell you, I have fought the idea for a long time.
         In college it was socially acceptable to eat in the dining hall alone, that is of course, if it wasn't an every day occurrence, or you brought note cards or homework along. And even then, I would avoid doing it most of the time. I can recall skipping lunch or grabbing a pb&j from my room, just to avoid the awkward silence of sitting alone.
         Now that I live alone, I eat alone, a lot. Most of the time I have the TV on or am connecting with others through email or Facebook. I have gone so far as to just order out, even when I know the food would be much better eaten fresh at the table and that I have no one to rush home to.
         So last night I did it. I had craving for something spicy and a Mexican restaurant I hadn't tried yet. After calling several people and receiving the negative, I knew it was the night. So I went. I was the only person in the whole place. I sat and read my book and ate my food. I sat there alone for an hour. Then I paid, got in my car and came home. Nothing eventful on the outside, but a major breakthrough was brewing on the inside. Although I lived through it, I don't ever want to have to do that again. I wasn't traveling, I didn't just move here, and I wasn't waiting for someone to meet me. I was just there, with no one to share my meal with.
        It was actually kind of funny. I opened up my book, "Eat, Pray, Love" to find the chapter all about how depression and loneliness had once again found our main character. Even in the midst of beautiful, romantic and passionate Italy, she was faced with these haunting visitors. I am by no means depressed, and not really that lonely, but in that instance, I was. These last few weeks have been a big reminder of that. Three of my friends celebrated one and two year anniversaries, one got married, and one had her first baby.
        When others are celebrating the joy of togetherness you are quickly reminded that your stuck sharing your life with no one. Sometimes I wonder how long it will be. I catch myself wanting to put a time limit on it, and then stopping myself just so God doesn't spite me by making it longer. I know that I am complete in God and do not need a man to fulfill me. But what if I want one? Is that so bad?
        I am what I would call the opposite of a feminist. I am grateful for the rights we have and all, but I still want that chivalrous handsome prince to come rescue me from this miserable loneliness that is my life. Can I still get that or have we completely shut the idea down?
       I know its not going to be like the emotional love porn we've been brainwashed into believing from all the romantic comedies. But I'd like to think the story will be great, at least in my mind. (Does anyone else have friends who've fallen for people that you are a little questionable about? Or they tell you a story of how "cute" the person is, and your thinking,...what's cute about that?) The right guy will be great to me and he really will be my "other half", of that I am confident. So hurry up prince charming....I'm waiting. (oh, and my eggs are dying. lol.)