New Year's Day has come and gone. In fact, January has almost come and gone. Where does the time go? I haven't sat down to make my resolutions yet. Is it legal to start a month late? I want to make some, but haven't found the time really. I can tell you this month has flown by. I feel like I've accomplished absolutely nothing so far this year, and the dirty dishes in my sink, the emptiness of my fridge, and my overly packed trash cans will attest to that. (Maybe that's a sing that a clean house should make the list?)
The newness of 2011 has worn off. I have officially hit my mid-winter laziness spell, wanting to do nothing and go absolutely nowhere. When the temperature gets below zero, which happens WAY too often around here, I simply want to hibernate. I need to snap out of this funk I'm in, and stat!
I did finally take down my Christmas tree, yes! I know...it's almost February. I undecorated it a couple weeks ago, but lacked the motivation to take it down and put it in the box. I actually re-decorated it in a way, I hung up the custom-made ornament my cutesy little niece gave me for Christmas after the tree was bare. I didn't want it to get broken or lost, and needed a place for safe-keeping until I got out the box again. It was the star of the show for the last two weeks.
My house is now as it was before Christmas, just cold. I have avoided being here almost every night, something I desperately need to change. I hate sitting here though, knowing I could be surrounded by people. Even if it's just two people, that's better than being alone. Its weird to say, but I think I can't be alone with myself. Not for any reason you would need to worry about, but because we aren't meant to be alone. Growing up in house full of people sure did ruin me for the single life. I find myself turning on the TV or my iTunes just so I don't have to listen to myself think. Oh, don't worry, there is still plenty of thinking going on...it's just not so loud.
When I focus on how my life is going, I can't help but think of how things could have been different. What choices did I make that got me here, in little northeast Iowa? What would have been different had I chosen a different college, or maybe a different career? I don't know if this is wishful thinking, but more dreaming perhaps. I don't want to be a dream killer, but at the same time, I'm not really sure how healthy it is for me to dream these days. I find it depressing, rather than hopeful. I know things will not and cannot change by my own power. I have bills...lots of bills, and responsibilities. The thought of up and selling all my stuff to go care for orphans in Africa is often among the dreams. Is this something I could ever realistically do? Or are these just things that will eventually leave my thoughts.
I have been thinking so much about "God's will for my life." I think before I always thought one needed to be "called" to go on mission trips or enter ministry. My view has changed. We have already been called. Jesus already told us to "go and make disciples of all nations." So what is stopping me? Is it money? yes. Is it fear? yes. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown and definitely fear of giving up something that is working and trading it for something that might not. I have been struggling a lot with what it truly looks like, in today's society, to follow God whole hearted. Does he really still want us to sell all of our belongings and follow him? So many things have been bouncing around in my head. I am feeling more and more like my life is dust in the wind. How will I spend it and can I make the least bit of a difference on eternity?
In the midst of inner turmoil and outward grumpiness...these are some things that are getting me through.
1. The sleeping dog laying on my legs right now...snoring!
2. A warm fire with great friends, you are my crutch.
3. Mountain dew, mountain dew and mountain dew. Oh how I need to quit you.
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