Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Chapter 1: Being Single
So I obviously haven't been doing so well on this whole journaling thing. I apologize. Most of my evenings the last two weeks have been filled with children and friends. Having worked at VBS with the first and second graders, I can truly say I was worn out beyond writing. Now that I've had a week to recover, I will hopefully catch you up.
I find myself in a place I've never imagined for my life. For those of you who have held a real conversation with me, you might have heard me say all this, but I can honestly say I never thought I would graduate from college and still be single. I don't know if my expectations of having a lifelong companion so early (or what is considered early in this day and age) were brought on by my upbringing in Missouri or simply by observing the relationships of those around me. Whatever the reason, I am now navigating this foreign chapter of singleness.
In elementary school we had a "career day" of sorts. We were supposed to dress up like our dream career. I'm pretty sure I was in the fourth grade, my dream, to be an ice skater. I loved Kristi Yamaguchi. She was my favorite figure skater. I took ice skating lessons for a few years, but stopped, admittedly because I didn't want that to be my Christmas present anymore. Essentially, I got greedy. Somewhere around sixth grade I decided I would be a journalist. I don't really know how the idea was put in my head, our family did not even receive the local newspaper. Sometime in high school my goals changed. It was understood that I would go to college, get a degree and work. But I never really thought of myself as a career girl. And I definitely didn't expect to have to do it for real...as in, I just thought I would get married, have babies, and have the choice of whether or not I would have to work full time. I guess I never expected to be alone. Midway through my senior year of college, I began to face the reality of graduating without the prospect of marriage and the reality of having to find a job. (I will be honest here, I had actually joked about going to college to get my MRS. degree.)
Now that I have been a college grad for almost two years, I am coming around to the idea that things did not work out the way I had always hoped. Still single, living hours away from my family, I sometimes find it very hard to like where I'm at. After going home way too many times this summer, I quickly began questioning my job and priorities. What I'm doing, although it is a job that actually fits my degree, doesn't always seem worth what I am missing back home. The bad thing, I don't really know if I would be happy at home either. I always assumed I would move away, but again, not alone.
Having several friends in this place that are in similar situations as me, single, no interested prospects for marriage, and not always enjoying their daily lives, I have been encouraged and challenged to embrace my current situation. I can't say I am doing a great job of this yet, but I'm working on it. I know that God has brought me to this stage for a reason. I do not feel led to singleness forever (or even now), I am a hopeless romantic who has a hard time guarding her heart, and I sincerely believe God put the desire in my heart to be married and have children. I long for those things. But until the day God brings that man into my life, or awakens feelings in me or him, whoever he may be, I know that He is building me up for His glory.
So until I move into the chapter of dating, engaged, marriage and mother, I will embrace this time in my life. I will (I am convincing myself as I go) take advantage of the time I have to read His word, spend time helping others, and continue to grow as a Christian in order to better fulfill my future duties. I have been told more than once by friends with husbands and children, that this time in my life is so important and not be in a hurry to get through it. I will try my dear friends, to heed your advice. Please hold me to it.
I find myself in a place I've never imagined for my life. For those of you who have held a real conversation with me, you might have heard me say all this, but I can honestly say I never thought I would graduate from college and still be single. I don't know if my expectations of having a lifelong companion so early (or what is considered early in this day and age) were brought on by my upbringing in Missouri or simply by observing the relationships of those around me. Whatever the reason, I am now navigating this foreign chapter of singleness.
In elementary school we had a "career day" of sorts. We were supposed to dress up like our dream career. I'm pretty sure I was in the fourth grade, my dream, to be an ice skater. I loved Kristi Yamaguchi. She was my favorite figure skater. I took ice skating lessons for a few years, but stopped, admittedly because I didn't want that to be my Christmas present anymore. Essentially, I got greedy. Somewhere around sixth grade I decided I would be a journalist. I don't really know how the idea was put in my head, our family did not even receive the local newspaper. Sometime in high school my goals changed. It was understood that I would go to college, get a degree and work. But I never really thought of myself as a career girl. And I definitely didn't expect to have to do it for real...as in, I just thought I would get married, have babies, and have the choice of whether or not I would have to work full time. I guess I never expected to be alone. Midway through my senior year of college, I began to face the reality of graduating without the prospect of marriage and the reality of having to find a job. (I will be honest here, I had actually joked about going to college to get my MRS. degree.)
Now that I have been a college grad for almost two years, I am coming around to the idea that things did not work out the way I had always hoped. Still single, living hours away from my family, I sometimes find it very hard to like where I'm at. After going home way too many times this summer, I quickly began questioning my job and priorities. What I'm doing, although it is a job that actually fits my degree, doesn't always seem worth what I am missing back home. The bad thing, I don't really know if I would be happy at home either. I always assumed I would move away, but again, not alone.
Having several friends in this place that are in similar situations as me, single, no interested prospects for marriage, and not always enjoying their daily lives, I have been encouraged and challenged to embrace my current situation. I can't say I am doing a great job of this yet, but I'm working on it. I know that God has brought me to this stage for a reason. I do not feel led to singleness forever (or even now), I am a hopeless romantic who has a hard time guarding her heart, and I sincerely believe God put the desire in my heart to be married and have children. I long for those things. But until the day God brings that man into my life, or awakens feelings in me or him, whoever he may be, I know that He is building me up for His glory.
So until I move into the chapter of dating, engaged, marriage and mother, I will embrace this time in my life. I will (I am convincing myself as I go) take advantage of the time I have to read His word, spend time helping others, and continue to grow as a Christian in order to better fulfill my future duties. I have been told more than once by friends with husbands and children, that this time in my life is so important and not be in a hurry to get through it. I will try my dear friends, to heed your advice. Please hold me to it.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
First love
For as long as I can remember I have journaled. I don't think I have ever actually filled an entire notebook, but I have filled countless pages of countless books with my ramblings of the everyday mundane. Having started writing for a living, I find myself journaling less and less. In fact, in the almost 10 months in this new place, I have written less times than I have toes. A tragedy, to say the least. You see, I have a horrible memory.
When it comes to most things, I remember them simply because I have heard others tell the story. Sometimes I wonder if I was even there, or if I have fashioned my siblings memories into becoming my own. Journaling has in a sense, given me a snapshot into my past. Being a young-twenty something, you wouldn't think it hard to recall first crushes and school field trips. I have so often sat down in the middle of my bedroom floor and laughed through my tween years. Usually the process starts from some sort of cleaning, re-organizing or packing. I'm sure others can relate, you set out to accomplish something and end up reading or looking through old photo albums.
The last 10 months, even the last year and a half, have been so crucial in my life. Graduating college, going through the job-searching process, starting that first real job in my field, moving into my very own place, basically starting my life as I know it, and I have kept track of so little.
This is my attempt to record my fears, hopes, dreams, emotions and insight, as they happen. If for no one else but myself, I will think of this as my journal. I am returning to my first love, writing, for fun. So hold on tight....as I figure out what to do between life and laundry.
When it comes to most things, I remember them simply because I have heard others tell the story. Sometimes I wonder if I was even there, or if I have fashioned my siblings memories into becoming my own. Journaling has in a sense, given me a snapshot into my past. Being a young-twenty something, you wouldn't think it hard to recall first crushes and school field trips. I have so often sat down in the middle of my bedroom floor and laughed through my tween years. Usually the process starts from some sort of cleaning, re-organizing or packing. I'm sure others can relate, you set out to accomplish something and end up reading or looking through old photo albums.
The last 10 months, even the last year and a half, have been so crucial in my life. Graduating college, going through the job-searching process, starting that first real job in my field, moving into my very own place, basically starting my life as I know it, and I have kept track of so little.
This is my attempt to record my fears, hopes, dreams, emotions and insight, as they happen. If for no one else but myself, I will think of this as my journal. I am returning to my first love, writing, for fun. So hold on tight....as I figure out what to do between life and laundry.
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