When did that happen?

I went home last weekend for Thanksgiving and was really looking forward to it. When I'm here I miss my family and wish I was home, but when I'm home, I don't always feel like I belong there either.  When did that happen? I can't say its every time I'm there, but this last weekend for sure. I'm more a guest visiting what used to be the place I laid my head. A weird concept to comprehend, and something I'm not sure I like. While fighting the feeling this past weekend I did have some good moments, moments that seemed to stand still and just let me soak them up.
All of my nieces and nephews usually show some sign of excitement when they first see me after a month or two of absence. The first encounter with my nephew Gideon plastered a smile across my face for the next few hours. He can be really loud, and should possibly be wearing a helmet on a daily basis, but when he's happy to see you, you sure know it. Later that day I saw more of my kiddos and like always, hugs and kisses were exchanged. Ava, the 3-year-old, always seems to break my heart somehow. She has a way of holding on so tight, and for so long, that it just makes me want to burst into tears. She's also the one who generally asks why I have to go back to Iowa and tells me she'll come along.
Throughout the weekend I saw the kids play pirates, soldiers, and secret agents. I got to hear my 7 year old niece read a new book to me. I was able to win the love of the youngest little one of the family, and trust me, that's not an easy task. I think my long beaded necklace helped me out a little with that one. She was fascinated with it most of the day. All of these moments stuck with me. Moments that seem to happen few and far between.
While I'm there, it seems right. But only when everyone is around. The reality that we've all grown up is too much to bear once the chaos stops and the house gets quiet. Its funny because I'm used to being alone, now that I live alone. Before I was always so used to a noisy house. But somehow I can't get used to that house, the one I grew up in, being quiet. I don't like the silence there.
I'm sure my mother won't like me saying this, but I'm starting to feel like my house, this little apartment behind the laundromat, is becoming more and more my home. I'm developing a homebody attitude, I know the messes here are mine. I know the hair in the shower drain is mine, all mine. I've decorated it. I have made this what it is. I never thought living alone would be my cup of tea, and have said before that women are not meant to live alone, but I'm doing o.k. I'm even enjoying it a little.
So here I am. Back in the comfort of my own home. I put up my Christmas tree today, probably the earliest that's ever happened for me. I thought about being a scrooge this year, but the weather today, (currently 22 degrees and flurrying) made me remember how depressing winter can be. If I have to endure the cold, I at least need a sparkly tree waiting for me inside. I'll enjoy my time here, and in about a week or so, I will be wishing for my childhood home again.  Funny how things change, and on a weekly basis it seems.

and that's what happened

I have neglected my blog lately. Not because I've been too busy, but because I've been lazy. Laziness never pays, as now, I have too many things that have happened to really talk about them all. So I'll give you a quick synopsis of the last couple of weeks....glee style. (that means you're supposed to read this quickly)
I was driving to go take pictures for work when I hit a deer with my car, and totaled it. I drove a purple minivan for the weekend and then I gave it back because I thought my insurance company was going to come. They waited five days and then told me I wasn't getting squat for my car, so then my dad and brother drove down (or up) last weekend to bring my little sister's car for me to drive for now. We went out to dinner and dad ate his first Gunder burger. (It's a whole pound of hamburger, but he acted like it was nothing.) Then this weekend I tried to find a new car but they're all way too expensive. I went to living stone and had a really great chat with my pebble (Angela Williams). Sunday I watched one of  the high school's my papers cover perform The Wizard of Oz. It was really good and made me kind of sad that my high school only performed really dumb no-name plays. I once played a part called Echo Chambers where I had to echo the last word of every sentence. It was horrible. Anyway, we had a really great prayer service Sunday night and I got to spend some much-needed time in worship to an awesome Creator. Then I came home and a lovely little chat with a friend where I ended up feeling like I should probably just give up on certain endeavors, well one really, just one. And that's what you missed on me.
Now, for tonight's episode.(you can stop reading fast now)
I have too many things going on in my head to focus on one thing. For starters, I cannot believe next week is Thanksgiving. Where have my last few months gone? I'm really excited to go home, and even more excited to spend time with my family. I haven't seen my grandpa Duren since my grandma's funeral this summer. Her birthday is tomorrow. I've never really had anyone close to me die before. And although my grandma Rosa lived three hours away, and suffered from severe dementia the last ten or so years, it's still a tough thing. I am extra thankful this year for the loved ones I do have, this will be the first holiday we celebrate without granny.
Also this week I've been a little more emotional than usual. Moody too. I got my hair cut today, nothing extreme, but just enough for a much-needed confidence boost. (or at least the delusion of one)
As I watch the t.v. and almost every commercial points toward Christmas, I am once again reminded that money rules the season. I can't help but get a little bitter as I try to think of clever present ideas that won't break the bank. It's not easy going it alone.  A lesson I'm learning over and over again, in way more ways than one.