Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
a breakthrough...or perhaps just a reminder of one.
So last night I did something I never really thought I would do. I put on my big girl panties and went to eat out at a restaurant, totally and completely alone. Yes, I know...you wouldn't think this was a big deal, but let me just tell you, I have fought the idea for a long time.
In college it was socially acceptable to eat in the dining hall alone, that is of course, if it wasn't an every day occurrence, or you brought note cards or homework along. And even then, I would avoid doing it most of the time. I can recall skipping lunch or grabbing a pb&j from my room, just to avoid the awkward silence of sitting alone.
Now that I live alone, I eat alone, a lot. Most of the time I have the TV on or am connecting with others through email or Facebook. I have gone so far as to just order out, even when I know the food would be much better eaten fresh at the table and that I have no one to rush home to.
So last night I did it. I had craving for something spicy and a Mexican restaurant I hadn't tried yet. After calling several people and receiving the negative, I knew it was the night. So I went. I was the only person in the whole place. I sat and read my book and ate my food. I sat there alone for an hour. Then I paid, got in my car and came home. Nothing eventful on the outside, but a major breakthrough was brewing on the inside. Although I lived through it, I don't ever want to have to do that again. I wasn't traveling, I didn't just move here, and I wasn't waiting for someone to meet me. I was just there, with no one to share my meal with.
It was actually kind of funny. I opened up my book, "Eat, Pray, Love" to find the chapter all about how depression and loneliness had once again found our main character. Even in the midst of beautiful, romantic and passionate Italy, she was faced with these haunting visitors. I am by no means depressed, and not really that lonely, but in that instance, I was. These last few weeks have been a big reminder of that. Three of my friends celebrated one and two year anniversaries, one got married, and one had her first baby.
When others are celebrating the joy of togetherness you are quickly reminded that your stuck sharing your life with no one. Sometimes I wonder how long it will be. I catch myself wanting to put a time limit on it, and then stopping myself just so God doesn't spite me by making it longer. I know that I am complete in God and do not need a man to fulfill me. But what if I want one? Is that so bad?
I am what I would call the opposite of a feminist. I am grateful for the rights we have and all, but I still want that chivalrous handsome prince to come rescue me from this miserable loneliness that is my life. Can I still get that or have we completely shut the idea down?
I know its not going to be like the emotional love porn we've been brainwashed into believing from all the romantic comedies. But I'd like to think the story will be great, at least in my mind. (Does anyone else have friends who've fallen for people that you are a little questionable about? Or they tell you a story of how "cute" the person is, and your thinking,...what's cute about that?) The right guy will be great to me and he really will be my "other half", of that I am confident. So hurry up prince charming....I'm waiting. (oh, and my eggs are dying. lol.)
In college it was socially acceptable to eat in the dining hall alone, that is of course, if it wasn't an every day occurrence, or you brought note cards or homework along. And even then, I would avoid doing it most of the time. I can recall skipping lunch or grabbing a pb&j from my room, just to avoid the awkward silence of sitting alone.
Now that I live alone, I eat alone, a lot. Most of the time I have the TV on or am connecting with others through email or Facebook. I have gone so far as to just order out, even when I know the food would be much better eaten fresh at the table and that I have no one to rush home to.
So last night I did it. I had craving for something spicy and a Mexican restaurant I hadn't tried yet. After calling several people and receiving the negative, I knew it was the night. So I went. I was the only person in the whole place. I sat and read my book and ate my food. I sat there alone for an hour. Then I paid, got in my car and came home. Nothing eventful on the outside, but a major breakthrough was brewing on the inside. Although I lived through it, I don't ever want to have to do that again. I wasn't traveling, I didn't just move here, and I wasn't waiting for someone to meet me. I was just there, with no one to share my meal with.
It was actually kind of funny. I opened up my book, "Eat, Pray, Love" to find the chapter all about how depression and loneliness had once again found our main character. Even in the midst of beautiful, romantic and passionate Italy, she was faced with these haunting visitors. I am by no means depressed, and not really that lonely, but in that instance, I was. These last few weeks have been a big reminder of that. Three of my friends celebrated one and two year anniversaries, one got married, and one had her first baby.
When others are celebrating the joy of togetherness you are quickly reminded that your stuck sharing your life with no one. Sometimes I wonder how long it will be. I catch myself wanting to put a time limit on it, and then stopping myself just so God doesn't spite me by making it longer. I know that I am complete in God and do not need a man to fulfill me. But what if I want one? Is that so bad?
I am what I would call the opposite of a feminist. I am grateful for the rights we have and all, but I still want that chivalrous handsome prince to come rescue me from this miserable loneliness that is my life. Can I still get that or have we completely shut the idea down?
I know its not going to be like the emotional love porn we've been brainwashed into believing from all the romantic comedies. But I'd like to think the story will be great, at least in my mind. (Does anyone else have friends who've fallen for people that you are a little questionable about? Or they tell you a story of how "cute" the person is, and your thinking,...what's cute about that?) The right guy will be great to me and he really will be my "other half", of that I am confident. So hurry up prince charming....I'm waiting. (oh, and my eggs are dying. lol.)
Friday, October 8, 2010
And the saga continues...
I like to think of my life as a saga. An ongoing roller coaster of emotions and ridiculousness. Several friends know exactly what I mean, I usually refer to a certain scenario in my life as "the saga." A scenario and aspect I will not go into on the internet, as I'm never really sure who is actually reading.
The saga I am referring to tonight is the one of ever changing hopes. Just when I think I get a break, or know what I should do and where I should be, the tides change, leaving me with mixed emotions and even more confused than when it all began.
Now that the beans have been spilled on the front page of the paper I work for this week, I can tell the world....my bosses sold our newspaper. At first, this seemed kind of o.k. I didn't know what would happen but I was willing to give it a shot. Last week was a tornado of assignments, extra duties and complete confusion in our office, as our bosses signed over the business just two days after telling us of the sale. And just like that, they were gone. The new bosses, who happen to have been our competing newspaper, came in and gave us all a nice little pep talk about change. I understood the lip service we were receiving, as they didn't know much more than we did at that point. We just had to get this week's paper out. That was the goal. We met the goal, sending pages just 30 minutes shy of the expected time. And so, the craziness started over. Once again, we have rushed through to get the next paper out. Last week seemed to creep by, almost as if time stood still, and yet, I still managed to work way over what I should have because there weren't enough hours in the day. This week has been but a blink in my eye, and here I am on a Friday night, still having two stories to write. I meant to stay and finish one before leaving the office today, but my eyes couldn't take another minute of reading.
My mind is on overload as I try to keep my head above water. I am literally drowning in little pieces of scrap paper I have dubbed reminders and to-do lists. A co-worker commented that I needed a bigger desk as she laid yet another piece of paper to my pile. I have joked that I don't get paid enough to stress out. I am by nature a worry wart, as I have previously shared, but I am also by nature a laid back, low-stress kind of gal. A friend recently said I am missing half of the emotions I am meant to have. I cry, but lack anger. I worry, but lack stress. I would say I rarely get so stressed that I have a melt down, but these past weeks are certainly wearing on me.
So tonight, instead of finishing a story or checking emails, I am laying on my love seat, feet propped up, lights off, candles lit, just relaxing. I caught up on Glee and have thoroughly stalked everyone of interest on Facebook. I am now thinking about getting a large bowl of ice cream to finish off the night. For now, tonight, I am putting the saga on hold. I will not think about the things in my life that I so desperately need to figure out. I don't even have to think about my laundry, as I did two loads last night, thanks to some great friends who suggested I bring it over instead of paying for it!
Some things that have gotten me through the week alive:
-my first pampered chef check
-rushing to a combine fire in the middle of a field with my nice work clothes on
-having the awana cubbies pray for my sore back (that in itself is a whole other story)
-seeing the rule maker become the rule breaker,
-and having a much-needed chat with a few of my college friends. (it's awesome to complain when we are equally as crabby about life)
For those who suffer with priorities being shifted to the wrong spot, I offer this verse, as I hope it helps me to remember who is ultimately the one who deserves my attention through this crazy transition.
"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Jonah 2:8
The saga I am referring to tonight is the one of ever changing hopes. Just when I think I get a break, or know what I should do and where I should be, the tides change, leaving me with mixed emotions and even more confused than when it all began.
Now that the beans have been spilled on the front page of the paper I work for this week, I can tell the world....my bosses sold our newspaper. At first, this seemed kind of o.k. I didn't know what would happen but I was willing to give it a shot. Last week was a tornado of assignments, extra duties and complete confusion in our office, as our bosses signed over the business just two days after telling us of the sale. And just like that, they were gone. The new bosses, who happen to have been our competing newspaper, came in and gave us all a nice little pep talk about change. I understood the lip service we were receiving, as they didn't know much more than we did at that point. We just had to get this week's paper out. That was the goal. We met the goal, sending pages just 30 minutes shy of the expected time. And so, the craziness started over. Once again, we have rushed through to get the next paper out. Last week seemed to creep by, almost as if time stood still, and yet, I still managed to work way over what I should have because there weren't enough hours in the day. This week has been but a blink in my eye, and here I am on a Friday night, still having two stories to write. I meant to stay and finish one before leaving the office today, but my eyes couldn't take another minute of reading.
My mind is on overload as I try to keep my head above water. I am literally drowning in little pieces of scrap paper I have dubbed reminders and to-do lists. A co-worker commented that I needed a bigger desk as she laid yet another piece of paper to my pile. I have joked that I don't get paid enough to stress out. I am by nature a worry wart, as I have previously shared, but I am also by nature a laid back, low-stress kind of gal. A friend recently said I am missing half of the emotions I am meant to have. I cry, but lack anger. I worry, but lack stress. I would say I rarely get so stressed that I have a melt down, but these past weeks are certainly wearing on me.
So tonight, instead of finishing a story or checking emails, I am laying on my love seat, feet propped up, lights off, candles lit, just relaxing. I caught up on Glee and have thoroughly stalked everyone of interest on Facebook. I am now thinking about getting a large bowl of ice cream to finish off the night. For now, tonight, I am putting the saga on hold. I will not think about the things in my life that I so desperately need to figure out. I don't even have to think about my laundry, as I did two loads last night, thanks to some great friends who suggested I bring it over instead of paying for it!
Some things that have gotten me through the week alive:
-my first pampered chef check
-rushing to a combine fire in the middle of a field with my nice work clothes on
-having the awana cubbies pray for my sore back (that in itself is a whole other story)
-seeing the rule maker become the rule breaker,
-and having a much-needed chat with a few of my college friends. (it's awesome to complain when we are equally as crabby about life)
For those who suffer with priorities being shifted to the wrong spot, I offer this verse, as I hope it helps me to remember who is ultimately the one who deserves my attention through this crazy transition.
"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Jonah 2:8
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